Dragging this Out

I am have been going through pictures from the funeral and notice that we are smiling in them...I feel so guilty posting them! I may have to wait a while but, I am so grateful for this blog to express these feelings that I can't seem to get across.  Although there is no doubt I will remember these days and the emotions I have been going through I might as well share with my readers...most of my readers are close family and friends who get this whole thing anyway.
I found out on Wednesday at the gym, I  lost it in the locker room..I could not get my composure....like bad. Mom called me...poor mom.  I grabbed the kids and drove home...crying! Harry asks over and over why I am crying. I finally just simply say "Grandmother Georgia went to Heaven and I am going to miss her"  He proceeds to tell me in the backseat that this is a great thing because she missed her daddy and he was in heaven. I remember Harry asking her about her dad at Christmas and it is true, she missed him terribly!   Oh my HARRY!  Love him!  I was still not able to control myself on the 10 minute drive home and my driving was TERRIBLE! Note to self...I am not a good drive under stressful situations!  I got a call and answered it without looking and it was my friend Amy. It was perfect timing.  I felt bad because I hadn't even called Chad to tell him and she called in the middle of my melt down.  It was a God thing! I mean really...she was able to console me and get me back to reality! 
I called Chad...he immediately came home and cried with me on the phone...although I wasn't in any talking mood.  Dad called me during this and we cried together.  He loved her so much and understood our relationship and how special we were to each other. It was a dark moment.
My MIL called...she works for hospice and knew the exact words to say! I have more love for her now than I ever have and she and FIL play a key role later in this saga.
I cried all night Wednesday....I am talking all night! I woke up crying and got in the shower crying. I was up before the kids and I got in the shower. I had Pandora on and "Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone" came on! Cue movie scene of me hitting the shower and yelling "No, not yet, I wasn't ready" and sitting in the shower pouring tears! Chad had just left.  The day was fine, I cried off and on and ended up skipping yoga to find spanx so I could fit into my dress for the funeral....
Went to lunch with four of my girlfriends...easy because they talked about their trips and stuff....as much as I love them I felt like I wanted to scream "Don't you know the most amazing woman died yesterday!"  I know they can't possibly understand the feelings I am going through and really they were doing me good by not letting me just sit in my ball of self pity.  I mean...who knows exactly what to say?
I had not talked ot my siblings..I knew it would be too hard. I called Em....it was dry then we both cried...just cried...dark moment.
Paul called me..I was for some reason stoic??? I don't know why! He called and cried...I knew he was devastated! He loved her so much and I couldn't even console him....what was wrong with me?
I cry and cry and cry all the way to Poughkeepsie...I just couldn't get to my mother quick enough! 
We arrive Grandmother's house empty dark and music playing.  Can you guess what song?  "Georgia On My Mind"!  It was bad...dark dark moment!  That house was my harbor, my safe place, my territory, my holidays, my memories, the home of my second mother and best friend!  The home of the most extraordinary woman I have ever known or met.   I don't know what will take it's place? I just don't know...I hate the unknown!
My closest family came.  Mom and dad first...then Joyce, Jamie, and Sherry!  It was bittersweet seeing them....we all cried and then laughing came.  It was a God thing for them to be the first to get there.  Jamie and I are bonded in our adoration for GG.  Joyce understands me and of course Sherry is pure love. This is when family makes loss so much easier. 
I kept thinking I wish Grandmother could see us all together laughing about memories!

Through all of this I received an overwhelming amount of messages with close friends condolenses.. I read them all twice and I truly believe the prayers carried me through Friday.  I learned that no matter how hard it is to tell someone you are sorry for their loss, it is so important.  You can never assume they are okay..or assume they are fine.  A note means so much even from people who I haven't talked to in years.   I can't wait to talk about my BFF...I will never be able to repay her for the gesture she bestowed on me in the darkest time of my life.  She gets me. She knew. 
Everything has been in slow motion. Seeing her body was not the worst...it didn't even look like her...although peaceful.  Harry didn't understand.  He asked if her casket was a rocketship to shoot her to heaven.  So hard to explain this stuff.
I am dealing well, I know when I get ready to call and check on her or ask her for a recipe, I will struggle. When I talk about her in one of the classes I teach....it will be hard.  I discuss her with every class I teach...her influence on me and my love for education is huge.
I did check FB and got that whole feeling again that the world should stop and acknowledge this great woman who influenced people to do their best and make the world a better place died!  I just want to scream "Do you not know??" It makes me angry...why?  I need to get off FB!  I have been off of it actually and when I got on it someone wrote about their bad day "DO THEY NOT KNOW?"  Talk about perspective!  I mostly regret the lack of sympathy I have had towards friends and family who have lost loved ones. I hope I have the opportunity to encourage and support the people who have carried me through this darkness. It comes and goes...like they say. I worry, I worry about my mom, my family, my kids.  I want so badly for Georgia Kelley to sit at GG wisdom and soak up her amazing ability to make you feel like you are perfect yet, encourage you to go beyond what you thought you could do.  I am afraid she will never know who special her name is....the legacy! I want her to love her name...own it! I am so scared she will think she was named after a "grandmother"! I hope HOPE HOPE HOPE she can see that GG wasn't just a grandmother! She was an extraordinary woman who worked hard and sacrificed to give her family opportunities.  Her story is beyond what you read in biographies and autobiographies! I just want to scream "Do you people realize what was living in that little house in that little town in this little state!!She was extradorinary! She put five kids through college on a teachers salary with noting! She insisted they made their success without lying, stepping on others, and cheating!  She pushed with love and wisdom.  I will finish this saga of loss....on a later time. I hope I don't sound bitter. The preacher said it at her funeral.  She may not have bridges and roads named after her but, she moved this world....she made this world better and she made me better. It was a pure gift from God that I had the opportunity to know her and be her friend.