I Know

I know she is in Heaven with Jesus and that is just great! GREAT!  Thank you for reminding me! As a Christian I should find this awfully comforting and I know it would be awful if she wasn't a woman of God. I know she is in Heaven but, I had peace knowing she was here! She was here and in some ways she was my conscious, my recipe book, my Google, my loyal life coach and a phone call away, even without a cell. I want her here....if only for a few more days.  I need here here to repeat the stories that she had told me for the umpteenth time at Thanksgiving because, I forgot them! I tried telling them to Harry and I forgot....she told them so much better. I am just so mad I can't stand it!  I remember a lot of the memories but, I forgot some too.  What is wrong with my brain? She could recite paragraphs of lines from her fourth grade play at 91 and I can't even remember a simple story she told me at 31! Maybe the Diet Coke is getting into my brain???
Life goes on and the world turns and we deal.  I am dealing, I knew this would be hard...but I am still sad...there is an emptiness inside. Don't judge me.
When I was little and wanted to fake cry...I knew all I had to think about was "what if Grandmother died"! Isn't that sick?? I did though...I knew when I was little that the worst thing that could happen to me was having my grandmother die!  Sick...but true at the time.
I think being snowed in is making it worse...I need to get busy and back to normal.
A few things that make it better are some things she told me at Christmas.
She looked at me the day we left her house and said, "Amanda, seeing your family makes me more happy than anything else in the world." I know that wasn't completely true but, I do know she loved my family.  She wrote Chad one of the kindest notes a person could get at Christmas and demanded to hold Georgia Kelley any chance she could.  She also told us to take her picture with GK a few times! We had the most bonding moment discussing how much we love each other and how amazing our relationship had been.  We realized that Chad and I had went to visit her six times that year. That is a lot for us, we live so far.  I am beyond thankful for times at Christmas.  I don't really know what Christmas Eve is like without Grandmother there or without being at her Christmas tree.
I wanted so badly to call her this morning! Chad made her gravy....didn't turn out so well. These are days I would call her! I made chocolate gravy....she would be so proud I cooked for Chad! HA!  She told Mom at Thanksgiving she felt at peace knowing I was okay.  This meaning it was okay for her to leave because I was in good hands.  She was right but, I miss her.
I hope my blog can go back to normal but for now you are therapy. 
My prayer tonight is people who lose loved ones that impacted their lives.

Carrying One Another's Burdens

I believe in this Bible verse. I believe that you can take someone else's pain. I believe this because the I cried the least on Friday and Saturday. This was the time when friend's were praying and thinking of us. This was also the time I spent with family who was going through the same thing. Here are a few pics. We obviously didn't take pics during the sad times.
All ten of the cousins with their spouses, minus Sammy's hubs.

 This is my mom's best friend, Margo! She is amazing. She drove four hours, got a hotel room and sat during the whole visitation, ate dinner with us, then went to the funeral.  My mom was beyond happy to have her.  We all cried when we saw her...such a good friend thing to do.  Loyalty!

 This picture makes me cry! This is Joyce Anderson, she and Grandmother have been best friends four 60 years! They helped raise each other's kids and she babysat me! When I was little, I was close to her mother, Granny!  She lives across the street from Grandmother.  I saw her standing her, took this picture and went to ask her what she needed.  She said in a shaky voice, "Amanda, I just don't know what to do."  She is a widow and she and Grandmother talked every day.  I know she is so sad and devastated.  It broke my heart to know how lonely she will be.  Her family would sing carols to us every Xmas Eve growing up...they are part of our family!

 Tessa was a trooper telling ghost stories with the kids in the back!

 In grandmother's yard before we went over the church building.

 I am wearing a red jacket because, Grandmother LOVED red jackets.

 My precious Jamie! Oh she was my rock through this! I miss her so much, I am tearing up right now thinking of how much I miss her! Oh, I love her so!  Best cousin award!

 These are the four sisters and Madeline, grandmother's youngest sister.  She and Maudie are the only ones left of the five siblings! I love Madeline and always thought she was the most fun great aunt!

 The siblings with husbands.  Grandmother loved these men like her own children.  They loved her like their own mothers.  There has to be a correlation. 

 Dad's parents came! I cried hugging them...it was the first tears of the morning! It meant so much to us to have them there supporting us! Aunt Ria came too! Once again, they will never know how much it meant to us to have them at Grandmother's funeral.  It is beyond words.

 Pallbearers.

 Chad's parent's drove all the way over for the funeral too! I cannot tell you how big of a deal it was to see them there.  Not only are they part of our foundation, they were calmings in a storm.  I didn't expect them to come nor did I imagine they would take a whole Saturday to spend in a car for my grandmother whom they had only met once.. They did say they knew her through my stories of her. I guess I talk about her quite a bit...it is hard not to! Sandy brought some reading material for the family and it was such a help later in the weekend.  I cannot thank these darling in laws enough. I have super in laws! I love them to pieces.  Another cry while I write this! Sandy helped Kim watch the kids during the funeral, they went to the grave site, then gave us dinner on Monday night.  She has said the most comforting words and I have repeated them to other family members.  I am so blessed to have her as my MIL and friend.  Having in laws like this make me love Chad even more....I wonder if that makes sense??

 Mom and the Georgia(talk about a big hit)

 More family pics at dinner!

 Dad with his girls!

My favorite part of the weekend was after the funeral, before we went to the grave site.  It was just immediate family in the church with Grandmother and some of us spoke. It was my first time to speak at the podium of church;)   It was so sad because we are so bonded by this woman. My family is so close and connected with love because of our matriarch who is now with the True Foundation. I love my family so much and am ready to be on the road to acceptance.

Dragging this Out

I am have been going through pictures from the funeral and notice that we are smiling in them...I feel so guilty posting them! I may have to wait a while but, I am so grateful for this blog to express these feelings that I can't seem to get across.  Although there is no doubt I will remember these days and the emotions I have been going through I might as well share with my readers...most of my readers are close family and friends who get this whole thing anyway.
I found out on Wednesday at the gym, I  lost it in the locker room..I could not get my composure....like bad. Mom called me...poor mom.  I grabbed the kids and drove home...crying! Harry asks over and over why I am crying. I finally just simply say "Grandmother Georgia went to Heaven and I am going to miss her"  He proceeds to tell me in the backseat that this is a great thing because she missed her daddy and he was in heaven. I remember Harry asking her about her dad at Christmas and it is true, she missed him terribly!   Oh my HARRY!  Love him!  I was still not able to control myself on the 10 minute drive home and my driving was TERRIBLE! Note to self...I am not a good drive under stressful situations!  I got a call and answered it without looking and it was my friend Amy. It was perfect timing.  I felt bad because I hadn't even called Chad to tell him and she called in the middle of my melt down.  It was a God thing! I mean really...she was able to console me and get me back to reality! 
I called Chad...he immediately came home and cried with me on the phone...although I wasn't in any talking mood.  Dad called me during this and we cried together.  He loved her so much and understood our relationship and how special we were to each other. It was a dark moment.
My MIL called...she works for hospice and knew the exact words to say! I have more love for her now than I ever have and she and FIL play a key role later in this saga.
I cried all night Wednesday....I am talking all night! I woke up crying and got in the shower crying. I was up before the kids and I got in the shower. I had Pandora on and "Aint No Sunshine When She's Gone" came on! Cue movie scene of me hitting the shower and yelling "No, not yet, I wasn't ready" and sitting in the shower pouring tears! Chad had just left.  The day was fine, I cried off and on and ended up skipping yoga to find spanx so I could fit into my dress for the funeral....
Went to lunch with four of my girlfriends...easy because they talked about their trips and stuff....as much as I love them I felt like I wanted to scream "Don't you know the most amazing woman died yesterday!"  I know they can't possibly understand the feelings I am going through and really they were doing me good by not letting me just sit in my ball of self pity.  I mean...who knows exactly what to say?
I had not talked ot my siblings..I knew it would be too hard. I called Em....it was dry then we both cried...just cried...dark moment.
Paul called me..I was for some reason stoic??? I don't know why! He called and cried...I knew he was devastated! He loved her so much and I couldn't even console him....what was wrong with me?
I cry and cry and cry all the way to Poughkeepsie...I just couldn't get to my mother quick enough! 
We arrive Grandmother's house empty dark and music playing.  Can you guess what song?  "Georgia On My Mind"!  It was bad...dark dark moment!  That house was my harbor, my safe place, my territory, my holidays, my memories, the home of my second mother and best friend!  The home of the most extraordinary woman I have ever known or met.   I don't know what will take it's place? I just don't know...I hate the unknown!
My closest family came.  Mom and dad first...then Joyce, Jamie, and Sherry!  It was bittersweet seeing them....we all cried and then laughing came.  It was a God thing for them to be the first to get there.  Jamie and I are bonded in our adoration for GG.  Joyce understands me and of course Sherry is pure love. This is when family makes loss so much easier. 
I kept thinking I wish Grandmother could see us all together laughing about memories!

Through all of this I received an overwhelming amount of messages with close friends condolenses.. I read them all twice and I truly believe the prayers carried me through Friday.  I learned that no matter how hard it is to tell someone you are sorry for their loss, it is so important.  You can never assume they are okay..or assume they are fine.  A note means so much even from people who I haven't talked to in years.   I can't wait to talk about my BFF...I will never be able to repay her for the gesture she bestowed on me in the darkest time of my life.  She gets me. She knew. 
Everything has been in slow motion. Seeing her body was not the worst...it didn't even look like her...although peaceful.  Harry didn't understand.  He asked if her casket was a rocketship to shoot her to heaven.  So hard to explain this stuff.
I am dealing well, I know when I get ready to call and check on her or ask her for a recipe, I will struggle. When I talk about her in one of the classes I teach....it will be hard.  I discuss her with every class I teach...her influence on me and my love for education is huge.
I did check FB and got that whole feeling again that the world should stop and acknowledge this great woman who influenced people to do their best and make the world a better place died!  I just want to scream "Do you not know??" It makes me angry...why?  I need to get off FB!  I have been off of it actually and when I got on it someone wrote about their bad day "DO THEY NOT KNOW?"  Talk about perspective!  I mostly regret the lack of sympathy I have had towards friends and family who have lost loved ones. I hope I have the opportunity to encourage and support the people who have carried me through this darkness. It comes and goes...like they say. I worry, I worry about my mom, my family, my kids.  I want so badly for Georgia Kelley to sit at GG wisdom and soak up her amazing ability to make you feel like you are perfect yet, encourage you to go beyond what you thought you could do.  I am afraid she will never know who special her name is....the legacy! I want her to love her name...own it! I am so scared she will think she was named after a "grandmother"! I hope HOPE HOPE HOPE she can see that GG wasn't just a grandmother! She was an extraordinary woman who worked hard and sacrificed to give her family opportunities.  Her story is beyond what you read in biographies and autobiographies! I just want to scream "Do you people realize what was living in that little house in that little town in this little state!!She was extradorinary! She put five kids through college on a teachers salary with noting! She insisted they made their success without lying, stepping on others, and cheating!  She pushed with love and wisdom.  I will finish this saga of loss....on a later time. I hope I don't sound bitter. The preacher said it at her funeral.  She may not have bridges and roads named after her but, she moved this world....she made this world better and she made me better. It was a pure gift from God that I had the opportunity to know her and be her friend.

Party in Poughkeepsie

I feel beyond grateful for the family in our life. Grateful sums up my Christmas this year! 

I am not going to lie and say I am not extremely proud that Georgia Kelley is named after this woman!  She is probably the most influential person in my life.  I respect and love her so much and our memories together out weigh the distance apart.  Georgia Kelley loved her...no surprise that she loved her too.

 . You can ask Chad, I was giddy all the way to Grandmother's house! Tessa, Emily and I were texting the whole way there!   It is my favorite night of the year and has been my whole life! The spirit of Christmas is full on this day!  This is what is about to me.  Of course it is all about Jesus but, when it comes to making memories and spending time with family...we got it down!  Oh how I love these people!Aunt Joyce and Uncle Nick came in from CA this year! We were happy to let them be apart of our very special Christmas Eve traditions

 The big kids taking reindeer food outside!

 The girls had their coordinating pjs, and the boys had theirs!

 Georgia Kelley was not happy she couldn't help spread the reindeer magic food.

 We all piled in the little room to wait for Santa to come and bring us presents! Once we hear him (bells and paw steps on the roof) we can go into the living room and open!

 We could hear him!

 It really is unbelievable that you can hear Santa.  Go here for the secret.

 Santa left little gifts that we all LOVED! I was especially excited about all the ribbon Santa(my parents act as Santa on the eve of Christams) left for my Christmas tree! My Christmas tree is my favorite thing right now.  Coco must know exactly what to tell Santa for me!

 One happy gal!

 Aunt Hannah's MIL found this cape for Harry and he has worn it everywhere, even to Poughkeepsie!

 Uncle Nick and Dad went for a walk!  Love these two! My Uncle Nick is the most gentle kind man! He is crazy smart too!

On Christmas morning we made our gingerbread houses! This year Santa brough two!  Of course they get better looking every year!

 I couldn't help but get more pics with Georgia and Georgia. Grandmother wrote notes in everyone's money cards this year. I think we all teared up a bit.  I felt like it was a sign that this may be her last Christmas with us. Chad and I stayed an extra night just because.  Her birthday party is this week and it will be so crazy we won't get much QT. 

 Family shot! I will say I was super grungy this Christmas.  I am way too comfortable at Grandmother's house.

When we got home, Mom and Em called because they were getting their shop on and wanted me to join them! I, of course, couldn't resist!  Love me some shopping with my girls!

I hope and believe everyone else had a wonderful Christmas with family!